Alien: Covenant (2017) - Jason X in a toga

A film that raises big questions—about gods, monsters, and the cost of creation—and then answers them with pseudo-intellectual hooha and a bunch of splatters. It’s poetry for meatballs. A creation myth written by someone who forgot the difference between being mysterious and confounding.

There’s a premise here. But it never shows up on screen. The director described the film as having [layers of metaphor].  By minute 20, my response to him would be: “Uh nah bruh … you ain’t that deep.”

The characters are emotionally unbalanced idiots. This crew is supposedly trained for deep interstellar colonization.

• No backup plan. No safety protocols. No sense of hierarchy or mission discipline.
• They panic, scream, and grieve like they’ve just lost soulmates—they are too young to have known each other or been through anything more severe than a power point presentation.
• They lack agency. They don’t make decisions—they react, flail, and sometimes avoid shooting themselves or blowing themselves up.

You’re told how important they are to each other and the mission, but holy moly, there’s no way you believe it. They’re not empathetic—they’re screaming and crying and one praying hands emoji.

Then there is Chekhov on meth. The film doesn’t understand suspense. It introduces a “gun” to the audience—and then reveals it to the characters less than five minutes later. There’s no anticipation or slow burn. In a film that’s supposed to be philosophical horror, the lack of tension is a real buzzkill.

I think David was supposed to be Lucifer in a lab coat. The film gesticulates with Miltonic grandeur anyway. David is framed as fallen, proud, and obsessed with creation. But instead of Paradise Lost, we get Jason X in a toga.

• David is a hack Dr. Frankenstein (minus any moral dilemma).
• He talks about creation, but treats its consequences like: “Oh well—stuff happens.”
• He’s not nihilistic. He’s not visionary. He’s just aimless.

I think the film wants a god wrestling with morality. What we get is a philosophy crib sheet with a superiority complex. There’s so much fodder for a truly compelling tale that could include creation, autonomy, grief, embodiment. But the execution is confused and emotionally hollow.

If Alien: Covenant had embraced its true nature—a slasher flick in space—it might’ve worked. It’s closer to that than philosophical horror, and that would’ve blessedly shaved off 25 minutes.